Dear greatFox -by your favorite lyrics transcriber, Virtholomew

Everyday problems, solved by the best vocalist in the history of all music.

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Dear greatFox:

I recently got divorced from my wife of 37 years, and I'm wondering how long I'm going to have to wait until it's okay for me to start seeing women again. I'm not exactly what you'd call young, but I still have it in me, and I'd really like to revive my love life. Is it safe to shop around, or is there some kind of "mourning period" or something I have to wait through before I can move on?

     -Confused in Kansas

Dear Confused:

I try to liiive up.. to your.... expectationsssnnnhh... I try to live down... with yourrrhhhnnn aggravationsssahh
Somehow I get lost in your...aggregationssssnnnhhh.. I run into your life by... a-ssim-i-lationnnnnhh
I got something better to doooohhh, thannn to justify myself to you-
I got something better to do, than to justify myyyself to youuuuuuhhhhnnnnnnnhh

     -gr8

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Dear greatFox:

I'm getting very concerned about my daughter's performance at school. I mean, she's a really smart kid, but I just don't think she's living up to her full potential. It says on the report card that a C is average.. But first of all it's really not - she won't get into medical school with Cs - and second of all, no daughter of mine is average anyway. I don't want to yell at her because I think that might discourage her from trying her best, and I don't want to take away TV either because she needs some recreation. Is there anything I can do to maybe motivate her while letting her know that her grades aren't acceptable?

     -Frustrated Fran

Dear Fran:

I'm sure I go against.. your sens..i-bil-i-ty and pur-i-tiesssnnnhhhh.. I'm everything you're afraid of... the dirty scum of sociiiie-tyhhhnnn..
You'd like to chaaange me, change who I am an' go awayyyuhhhnn.   But you can't dismiss me.. heh.. nahh... I'm here to stay.
a-Can't you See - Who I'm in love withhhnnnnhh? Can't you See? Who I'm in looove withhhhnnhnn.. a-Can't you See???
Why can't you just let us beeeyuhhhhnn????

    -gr8

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Dear greatFox:

Help! I just went to CompUSA and picked up a CD Recorder for my new computer. Only it's not recognizing the drive as a burner, only as a player.. I put it in and then I was like "Damn, it's not recognizing the drive as a burner, only as a player!" Do you know anything about writing CDs, and if so, how in the hell can I get the thing working? I just blew four bills on it, and I don't want to hobble back in there like an idiot and ask one of those holier-than-thou gurus how to install it right.. Help a brother out!

    -Newbie in Nebraska

Dear Newbie:

*snort*

    -gr8

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Dear greatFox:

I've got a weird problem. Is it normal to be attracted to a family member, even if you know it's not a good idea to act on it? I've got this cousin and she's, like, REALLY fine. I'm talking *PERFECT 10* I'm talking the kind of girl who gives you a hard-on you could drive nails with. Only she's my first cousin, so I know it's wrong.. After all, I don't want our kids to have elongated heads, or seven fingers to a hand, or anything fucked up like that.. Okay, to be truthful we did fool around a little when we were younger, but we didn't know anything back then.. And I think she wants me too, now.. Oh man, this is frustrating! Got any suggestions? Because as it stands now, I think I'm going to tap her before too long.. I just can't resist! If you ever see me on IRC, I go by "Psykoz." Peace.

    -Horny in Houston

Dear Horny:

Crudely desiiigned, marked che-mi-cal stainssssnnnhhh.. Action gone, ...but.... thought remains
Through... ev'ry day it's all the saaammmmmmmnnnhh - Energy lohhnnnhnnst while nothing you gainnnnnhhhh
IF - LIIIFE  - GETS - TOO - HARRRDhhhmmm... Don't let it get to youuuuuuhhnnnn
IF - LIIIFE  - GETS - TOO - HARRRDhhhmmm... Don't let it get to youuuuuuhhnnnn

No, wait. What am I saying... Your cousin doesn't hold a *candle* to what I have for you... The amazing phenomenon that is bestiality! Animals are such better lovers than humans, even hot human cousins! I have even prepared some material on the subject! Read this and take a look at the part with the two panthers coming up on Wolf and Neil - it's a beautiful thing! Pity Wolf didn't act on his urges, because let me tell you, those panthers were HOT. Hotter than your cousin, I'm sure. Nope, nothing beats getting tail from something with a REAL TAIL. Be it a lion, a bear, a dog.. or even a parakeet! The fox doesn't swing that way, you know.. but there are lots of other fish in the sea, as it were!!

    -gr8